The Beginning of our IVF Journey…. a journey it was!!
How do I even start this topic. There are so many people who go through it or who are going through it and people I get it.. I understand. It took us OVER a year and half or trying before we started IVF to have our little miracle munchkins!
I remember feeling on top of the world as a couple (we both had good jobs, traveled a lot, enjoyed our friends and enjoyed everything else about life)!
Here we were cruising the Caribbean with not a care in the world! We Loved and STILL LOVE TO TRAVEL!
Then you get to that point and say…. ok its time to start a family! And when we both decided … you think it will happen SUPER Fast… like we thought we needed to think of how our lives would change being parents (you know like you start looking at baby room ideas, baby clothes, what are the best baby gadgets) and thought it would happen right away! I mean most of our friends and family would just look at each other and become pregnant so surely it would be fast for us too (now that we have finally decided we were ready)!
Ok kids so we decided now was the time (I was 30 and my hubby was 34)…. we wanted to be PARENTS!!! Wow….Then to find out we were NOT pregnant after the first month of trying…. IT WAS Disappointing because why didn’t it happen… I mean we are off the PILL! Ok ok ok… so then we told each other it didn’t happen the first month it will FOR SURE happen next month. Then another pregnancy test (of course we could NOT wait until we were supposed to test or I couldn’t wait)… so we test too early and then tell I tell myself well “its too early so thats probably why” Then another month goes by and we are STILL NOT Pregnant! Then its 6months out, then a year out and it is becoming sooooo common to get the NOT Pregnant symbol on the test. In the meanwhile, I have some of my best friends and sister in law feeling bad to tell me they are expecting. I think my sister in law cried on the phone when she told me she was expecting because she knew we were trying for so long.
I will be completely honest with you…. In my heart deep down I was so happy for them and excited for their pregnancies but to be bluntly honest I was just devastated. Its a feeling I had never experienced in my life. And to be honest…. unless you have been through this journey you will not understand that feeling either. I would get angry at myself for having this jealous feeling in my soul for others joy of their pregnancy. There were times in that year and a half that I would call a friend and say “Im sorry but I just can’t make it to your baby shower” or “Im sorry I just can’t make it to your little ones 1st bday party but I will send a gift”. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to be there but it just hurt my heart knowing that what we wanted (a family) wasn’t happening for us but for EVERYONE around us it was.
My family and closest friends were consistently there for us and tried to say and do everything they could to help. But if you are going through this process you know as well as I do… NOT a THING anyone can say can make you feel better or help you get pregnant. I’m sure my friends and family felt helpless. I remember going to the winery with a few of my best friends and just sobbing on the way home (ok ok ok the wine might have had a LITTLE impact on my emotions but it honestly was heart wrenching).
On the left could have possibly been the winery trip I remember from above and to the right was a little Kenny Chesney and I think the same sobbing session happened that night too (again it wasn’t the alcohol people!!?? or or might have been a tad bit!!??)
But you know what! Someone once told me you go through MANY Seasons in your LIFE and this was just a little longer season that we had to go through to get our little miracles and start our little BROWN family of 4! What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger right? – Okey Dokey!
One of my FAVs. I still have this sitting in my bathroom to look at everyday!
Sooooooooooo after that summer we finally decided it was time to see an IVF Specialist. Ok people…. this is such a BIG step. It is the step in which you feel like you have failed at this becoming a parent thing! I remember walking into my fertility specialist at Washington University in St. Louis and before they could even start talking I just started crying. It was a feeling of relief… I (or should I say we) had been stubborn for sooooo long to just make that step to a referral to an IVF Specialist and let me tell you that was a day full of tears and the turn of our New Season!
We could NOT wait for our IVF Journey to begin…. and to be honest we had NO idea what we were getting ourselves into but the only regret I have is NOT STARTING IT SOONER! Why the heck did we wait so long??? There is so much to tell about our journey there is no way I can do it all in this post.
To be continued…